Fear of Toilets

November 16, 2007

There really is no better way to describe what happened to me today, other than to paste the gtalk conversation where TJ took great delight in my misfortune…

Doom: i
 the funniest
TJ: tell me
Doom: ok
 the preface is going to give it away
 but its necessary
TJ: ok
Doom: i have a fear of public toilets backfiring on me when i flush, after ive pooped
TJ: i like it already!
Doom: you know, instead of flushing down, it spews my own defecation and urine all over my bare ass and back
 (btw, you are getting an exclusive on todays post)
TJ: i changed my mind, I LOVE it
 keep going!
Doom: ok so, this morning has been crazy rushed
 trying to push this stuff out live
 and i hadnt had a chance to get to my 10am meeting with the porcelein king
 so, methinks that i made the king mad
 because at 1230, i went to pay my respects
 it was good meeting
 all went well
 it was even a rare finish, not requiring much clean up at all
TJ: gah you and the damn detail
Doom: the story is not funny without detail
 ok so
 my fear
 of toilets backfiring
 as i flushed, and before i could bring my pants to my waist
 the gasket on the flush mechanism must have been loose
TJ: i wish you could hear me laughing
Doom: and i remember now, because i went in yesterday and there was an overweight maintenance man “fixing” it
TJ: i sound like a lunatic
Doom: so
 as my hand was coming back up from pressing the lever down
 i heard the noise
 of a large, central-park-sized water fountain
 and i felt my ass begin to get wet
 and i turn and look
 and sure enough
 there is water spewing everywhere
 clean water, but still, water
TJ: omfg i can’t breathe
Doom: so in one superhuman motion
 i flung open the stall door
 with one hand
 and managed to pull up my pants, zipper, button, and tuck in my shirt with the other
TJ: wow
Doom: because i didnt know if someone would be wakling at the time that i was falling out of the stall, wet
 so now my slacks are soaked
 my back is soaked
 and im standing there, looking at myself in the big mirror
 trying to figure out what to do
 its not exactly a short walk back to my desk
 so i grabbed as many paper hand towels as i could
 and went into the OTHER stall
 dropped my pants
 and began to towel off my legs
 i dried off, composed myself, dried off my pants and shirt
 and nobody knows
TJ: except for meeee~!

What is the moral of this story? TJ is an evil wench!


Puss n Bewts

November 15, 2007

Girls. Please. I understand it is that time of year. I JUST sent out a memo last week thanking you for making my day. But now it’s getting out of control. Do any of you understand the distraction of this bare-lower-thigh-knee-upper-calf-surrounded-by-leather-and-easy-access-clothing-ness? Ok, um. I’m going to assume that if you don’t have a dog, you at least can understand this illustration:

Growing up, I had a dog named Saber. He was a springer spaniel. Great dog. One of my dad’s favorite tricks was to have him sit, completely still, with a dog treat on his nose. He would stand there, finger in the air saying, “Sabeeeerrrr. Noooooooo.” over and over again. And Saber would sit there. Sometimes his legs would twitch. After a minute or so his eyes would grow teeth and I swear they’d try jumping out of their sockets to go eat the damn treat themselves. And then my dad would lower his finger and abruptly say, “GO!”, at which point Saber would, in one motion, tilt his head and inhale that treat before it had a chance to move.

The only difference between this boots-n-skirts thing and the dog treat? Well, if my brain ever stopped saying, “Doomiliaaaaaaaas. Nooooooooooo.”…I would go to jail.

Something concerns me, though. I know this happens for men, mostly because I think I am one (some would debate). But can the adverse happen for women? Are there certain outfits/attire/etc., etc., that men can wear that have a similar effect?

Then again, maybe I just need to be neutered.


November 12, 2007

Life has been a bit of a swirling wind lately. Closing the door on my apartment in Jersey for the last time this weekend, I caught one of those sudden moments of surreality. As I was walking to the rental office to turn in my keys, it hit me that my girlfriend of the past 7 years (fiance since August of 07) will be my wife in just over 4 months. Consider the fact that our relationship has been long distance for all but one summer, with her spending the last two years in the dietitic graduate program at the University of Florida (remember that I live in the Philly area), and the thought of finally being able to spend more than a weekend together becomes overwhelmingly exciting. I am old school. Or maybe I’m just getting old. It’s that time of year too, my favorite holiday seasons. But I want a family. I love watching my mother and father grow closer and closer as they age into their late 50s. I love that my brothers and I can’t wait to spend Sunday afternoons screaming at the television watching football with our pop. I think of how much fun I have had in life so far, and then I talk to my dad and realize I still have so much to experience and look forward to. In the meantime, the changes in patch 2.3 come TOMORROW (how is THAT for a transition?)!

What am I looking forward to? Other than the challenges that Zul’Aman holds and the intrigue of a retooled subtlety tree, I’ve got my eye on a couple pieces of armor that are obtained through heroic badge turn-ins.

Master Assassin Wraps
Master Assassin WrapsBasically the same idea as my current bracers, Marshal’s Leather Bracers, except with PvE stats rather than PvP stats. With a +8 hit gem, I would stand to gain +5 crit rating (roughly .20%), 34 attack power (about 2.5-ish dps), 8 hit rating (just over .50%), and lose 2 agility (just about .07% crit). My new statline would be 1640 / 25.34% / 232 (14.71%). For 35 badges, I’ll take it!
Nyn’jah’s Tabi Boots (a clever wordplay: Ninja’s Tabi Boots)
Nyn’Jah’s Tabi BootsIn comparison to Edgewalker Longboots, the base gain/loss is +9 hit rating, +16 attack power, -7 stamina. Once I get 45 (I have 50 banked) more badges, I will definately be sporting these. Working out some of the possible socketing combinations, +4crit/+6stam and +4hit/+4agi would be my most likely choices. Assuming those gems, my net gain/loss would be +13 hit (about .86%), +12 attack power, -1 stamina, and -.28% crit (total loss of 4 crit rating (.18%) and 4 agi (.10%)). So again, my adjusted statline would be 1652 / 25.06% / 245 (15.57%).

Talk about a couple of seriously nice upgrades for just a bit of heroic and Kara grinding. And they are gauranteed. Thanks Blizz!